Monday, October 14, 2013

Great Literature Reviews: "The Sexiest Jokes About Madonna!" by Cardinal Syn

"FEROCIOUSLY FUNNY" screams the hot pink cover!

* Not Authorized by Madonna * tantalizes the potential buyer

"Cardinal Syn is the world's leading expert on that weird trollop known as Madonna.  A practicing tri-sexual (he'll try anything), he hides out in New York" reads the "About The Author" blurb on the backcover.

Oh my!  I've always heard laughter was the best medicine and baby...I'm feeling a little sick right now!

Published in 1994 by S.P.I. Books ("a division of Shapolsky Publishers"), "The Sexiest Jokes about Madonna!" (the exclamation point means it's REALLLLLLLY sexy jokes) is 192 pages of haughty, naughty, bawdy jokes about the Material Girl. 

It's a mind boggling little paperback that would have run you $4.99 back in the day.  I got it at the tail end of a local used book sale when it was fill a bag for $2.00 time.  It is the golden (or more accurately - brown) nugget I find myself revisiting for reasons unknown.  Dear readers, I welcome you to join me on a ride into the abyss.

It's obviously not going to be good, but with this level of awful, you'll find yourself unable to put it down without reading just one more joke thinking, it can't get worse.

Oh, but it can. 

I will randomly open this book to 10 pages and give you 10 random jokes.  There's no cherry picking here.

Enjoy won't be the word...and I will tell you right now if you get offended, not easily offended, but simply offended then stop reading as every joke in here is either extremely offensive or puzzling or a mixture of both.

Why are Madonna's lips so big?
- An abundance of oral sex
Starting off strong, that is one sexy joke right there!

How does Madonna usually hold her liquor (licker)?
- By the ears
Yes - that is exactly how it is written in the book.  So, one of two things here.  The author either thought the person reading this book was too stupid to get the joke or they thought the person reading this book was too stupid to pronounce liquor correctly without spelling it phonetically.

What does Madonna have most in common with models Cindy Crawford and Claudia Schiffer?
 - Nothing I can think of
Oh SNAP!  No you didn't!!!

What is Madonna's favorite Instrument?
- The Skin Flute
Okay...c'mon, they're not even trying now

What is the relationship between Incest, S&M and Necrophilia?
- They are Madonna's sexual preferences
Huh?  That's just weird and wrong...but admittedly sexy as the cover states

What is the one fruit Madonna demands with dessert every night?
- The Banana
Okay okay we get it...Madonna likes sex!  For some reason the fact that they write "The Banana" as opposed to "A Banana" intrigues me

I did say I would choose at random, but I couldn't help notice the joke right before this on the previous page (there's in general two jokes in GIANT font per page):
What is the one vegetable that Madonna demands with dinner every night?
- The Cucumber
It's funny because it's shaped like a penis

What do you call a man who can't score with Madonna?
- A Gay
By the way we're only at #8 and you're probably like me right now...just kinda scratching your head wondering how this thing got published.  Also a case of the odd use of an article before the noun.

What do you get when you cross Medusa with Eva Braun?
- A strange monster like Madonna
I'm now just laughing at the absurdity of this book which is what usually happens around more

Why do girls like Madonna and Shannon Doherty behave like such baboons?
- Because they really think they were Born To Be Wild
And bingo!  Book closed and I'll spend another 15 minutes wondering again how this got published.

But let me end with the Afterword:
"Let me ask you something readers, Don't we all agree that Madonna is a sexy, hot wild performer who we all love to hate.  Am I right on with this observation?  Well if you agree please send me your best Madonna jokes and I'll put 'em in my next book.  Also I'll put your name in the book as a thank you for the good jokes that we actually use."
I have to stop for a second and wonder first if anyone sent a joke.  Second was there actually a sequel to this book?  Third, were any of the jokes not used?? 
"As a reward I'll send you a copy of a hilarious, sick book I guarantee you'll love:  GRUNGE JOKES ($4.99 retail price) for free!"
Another side note - I want this book, I'll gladly pay full "retail price" if someone has a copy
"The only catch is that I've got to ask you to send in $3.00 shipping and handling.  The address to send your suggested jokes, your money and your address to receive your complimentary book is..."

How many three dollar bills y'all were lost in this infamous Madonna Joke Book scam of 1994...some estimates go as high as a baker's dozen - but we'll never know for sure.  Instead we'll put this book back right now and when we need to....when we need to revisit those crazy days known as the mid 90's, we'll take it out and gaze in wonder and thank the lord we somehow lived through it.

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